Alistair Cook’s Alternative Ashes Diary

25th Oct 2013:

All the lads arrived, Mr. Flower called the register and checked we all had our signed permission slips, mum had signed the wrong bit but Mr. Gooch said it should be OK, phew! it was a long bus journey!!

31st Oct 2013:

Went to Perth (I think its near Dundee) for a warm-up game, don’t know why cos its quite sunny already but Mr. Flower says it’ll be a good idea.

2nd Nov 2013:

we drew the game, Mr. Flower and Mr. Gooch also drew some things on the blackboard ‘TicTacs’ or something but me, Belly and Kev wasn’t really listening properly.

6th Nov 2013:

I like this place, but I haven’t seen any Cola Bears yet, Mum said I’d see loads and maybe some Crocoroo’s too. we’re playing another game today, Australia ‘A’.. I hope we don’t have to go right through the alphabet.

9th Nov 2013:

Drawed again! but really happy, Mr.Gooch says we can have pizza tonight.

13th Nov 2013:

playing again!! Australian Invitational XI… we’re at Sydney’s cricket ground today, Sydney must be rich! he’s got a massive garden!!

16th Nov 2013:

WE WON! I’m really liking this field trip now! me and the boys are unbeatable.

20th Nov 2013:

Mr. Flower getting is ready for the first test tomorrow, I didn’t realise we had exams on this trip. Matty started swearing and Mr. Gooch told him to stand outside.

21st Nov 2013:

Brisbane, Monty reckons it sounds a bit like Frisbee, we ignore him. Mr. Hussain from up in the Sky asked me a few questions, he thinks he’s a telly star, I don’t like him much.
Big game of cricket today but we should beat these lot, I don’t know who they are but apparently they aren’t very good.

24th Nov 2013:

Bigger boys came, bigger boys beat us. They have a big boy called Mitch Johns or something he looks stupid and I think he’s a bit older than us cos he looks like he’s started shaving, or at least needs to. Mr. Flower says its not too bad though as we still have 4 more tests to do… more Exams!! but at least we don’t have to play tomorrow!! yessss!! 🙂

25th Nov 2013:

Jon is going home, Mr. Gooch has phone his mam & dad and they’re coming to get him. Jon says he feels sick and the doc says he’s in a dress or something.. I wasn’t really listening again, Kev was pulling faces. Mr. Flower says we’ll have to change the team, I asked if I could change teams too but that wasn’t what he meant.

29th Nov 2013:

went to see a lovely girl called Alice Springs and had another game of cricket… her Mum & Dad must have good jobs, her back yard was massive too!! I bet her Dad’s a barman at Lassiters or something. we had to draw again.. Broady left his pens on the bus and had to use Mr. Gooch’s pencils.

2nd Dec 2013:

Tim arrived!! I’m not sure where he’s been I think he got the wrong bus or something but he’s brought plenty of Cigarettes so Graeme and Joe we’re happy to see him.. if he doesn’t let me play on the Xbox first though I’m telling Mr. Flower.

5th Dec 2013:

Adel Aide, I’m not sure who she is but that’s who’s house we’re playing at next. We got in trouble with the other headmaster Mr. Boof cos we stole all the banana’s from Peter Silly’s lunch box. Mr Flower wasn’t very pleased with us but I think he laughed in the end. We had to act seriously though cos it was time for another test. I left my pencil case back in the dormitory but it didn’t matter was we just played cricket again instead, we’ll get this lot this time, we learnted a lot from the last game.

9th Dec 2013:

Lost…. again, Big Lost, the Austrian boys are quite good, but we’re not allowed to say things like that cos we are Englands. I managed to keep the fifty pence the man in the white coat keeps throwing around before the game though so I’m gonna sneak off and get some crisps tomorrow!! yay!! 🙂

10th Dec 2013:

Spring Onion!!

13th Dec 2013:

Perth again, I like Scotland.. seems a lot warmed here this time of year, I must tell Mum & Dad that for our next holiday plans. Man in the white coat had a new coin this time but he managed to catch it, I dunno why he does this before all the games but the Australia boy always seems to walk away smiling, oh well. Looks like Mr. Flower is trying to trick us with these tests.. meant to be the 3rd one today but we’re playing cricket again instead. I’m onto him! anyway, big game we’ll beat them this time cos we know better now. I heard Mr. Botham telling Mr. Gooch that we have a team, not sure what was in the bottle Mr. Botham was drinking from but it looked a bit like Ribena, they must call Ribena ‘Merlot’ over here… strange place, still no Cola Bears yet though 😦

17th Dec 2013:

Lost again! just by 150 this time… we’re getting better, Joe says we’ll win next time cos we’re the best. Matt isn’t playing very well though, he’s not been the same since he lost his Premier League sticker album at Alice Spring’s house. He might get another one for Christmas though.

19th Dec 2013:

Early Christmas dinner!! it might be Mr. Boycott we’re eating, I heard Mr. Gooch call him a right prime Turkey… I hope not! he’d be a bit sour I think. they’re making me sit between Stuart and Jimmy, they’ll just be talking about throwing balls and other stuff I was sposed to be learning..

21st Dec 2013:

Trip to the Zoo! seen proper Cola Bears in the Litmus Paper trees! there was Kanglearoo’s and Wallets jumping around! Joe liked the snakes and spiders, I thought babies were meant to be ascared from them things.

22nd Dec 2013:

Graeme’s gone! he’s away home cos he’s tired or something? Mr. Flower rang his Mum & Dad and they’ve come and picked him up.

23rd Dec 2013:

Had an early visit from Santa, Kevin reckons it was just Mr. Gooch dressed up but I know it wasn’t cos Mr. Gooch is usually fatter than that. Typical Kevin he likes trying to show off and always be right.

25th Dec 2013:

Christmas! and a birthday!!! I got loads!! PS4!! new trainers and a bike!! got lots of sweets too but I’m not allowed to eat too many cos we’re going to see Mel Bourne tomorrow for another test… I bet its another game of cricket! they’re not fooling me anymore!

26th Dec 2013:

WOW! Mel Bourne must be mega-rich! another massive garden to play in, and he knows loads and loads and loads of people!! there was like a gazillion people there!! had to play that other lot again, they say they’ve already won the ashes or something, I didn’t really understand and Mum told me not to speak to strangers and these lot are quite strange, so I ignored them. still not to sure why that man in the white coat throws his money about…

29th Dec 2013:

This isn’t fun anymore, I wanna go home.

30th Dec 2013:

Joe’s birthday today 🙂 he’s six now! love a party, although Tim cheats at pass the parcel and Jimmy always wins musical chairs. Graeme usually does the clown bit… I think I miss him but I’m not going to tell anyone, Kev already thinks I’m a girl. Graeme did leave his pocket money behind though! think I’ll sneak off again tomorrow, get some sweets this time!! hee hee

31st Dec 2013:


1st Jan 2014:

Yuk! I hate New Years Day.. everyone kisses all the ladies! I stayed in the dormitory and played Fifa on the PS4 with Micheal and Jonny. Jonny’s quite good for a ginger.

3rd Jan 2014:

Back to Sydney’s place again, had to talk to Mr. Warne today (another man from the Sky) Mr. Flower says he’s a Supercilious idiot (Mr. Gooch told me how to spell that) I said no he’s not he’s from Australia, Mr. Gooch says its the same thing anyway so we’re both right. Man with the white coat on was there again, I must have said something right and I won! he let me keep the coin too cos we hadn’t won anything yet. nice man. Still playing the same boys as the last few times, dont like that boy they have, Micheal Clarts or something, he told Jimmy he was gonna “break his flaming bike” a few weeks ago, seems like a bully to me, we’ll beat them this time.

5th Jan 2014:

This isn’t fair. and Bradley Hidden stole my dinner money. I REALLY wanna go home now 😦

9th Jan 2014:

Mr. Flower is in trouble cos people don’t think he’s teaching us properly, most of us don’t really listen so it isn’t all his fault. I’m not saying anything though, he’s an angry man at times.

12th Jan 2014:

Off to Mel Bourne’s again for some Kwik Cricket, I like this better cos we play this in our pajamas’s and we’re right good at Kwik Cricket.

13th Jan 2014:

Aw man, he lost again last night, I really want my Mum now 😦

14th Jan 2014:

Playing Prime Minister Xi today, he must be from China, I don’t think China are very good at cricket I think we’ll win this one but Mr. Giles says it isn’t really important though :/

– We Won!! hahaha

17th Jan 2014:

Here we go again, another Pajama game against them big bullies. Mr. Giles thinks we can win today, Mr. Giles seems to know what he’s talking about. I think he’s right.

18th Jan 2014:

Mr. Giles is stupid, Cricket is stupid, this place is stupid, I’m gonna tell me Dad about this. Mr. Flower let me play on my bike after dinner though so its not all bad i spose.

19th Jan 2014:

Off to Sydney’s AGAIN, this guy likes having people round. playing them bullies once again, I’m getting sick of this, I’m gonna get on Facebook tonight and ask Jon or Graeme how to get sent home, I don’t care anymore. I miss my budgie and hamster too, my hamster is called Goughie! I named him after Andy Caddick.

20th Jan 2014:

Lost again, I cried too, in front of Joe who now thinks I’m the baby. its all gone wrong, I’m fed up I really want my Mum 😦

24th Jan 2014:

Back to Bonny Scotland and Perth again!!! WOW! gotta play them boys for another time! no way!! this isn’t fair at all! but Mr. Thorpe says we’ll win this one for a change, Mr. Thorpe doesn’t get many things wrong, I like Mr. Thorpe. I hate this stupid game. I wanna play something else but I’m not allowed my football back since James put it on the roof of next door’s garage. IDIOT.

25th Jan 2014:

VICTORY!! WE WIN!! I love this game!! we were the best last night! we can beat anybody!! Cricket is this best!! I love this place! I wanna stay here forever!! 😀

26th Jan 2014:

Back to Adel Aide’s house for some more Kwik Cricket, we’ll stuff this lot again!! Eion and Jos know how to play like Superman, this will be easy, I hope Adel has made some more cake again… Yum!

27th Jan 2014:

I wanna go home, lost again. and I miss the rain. I’ve asked Mr. Giles to ring my Mum.

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One Day Impersonators

Well here we go again… After that unmentionable Australian Mardi Gras of massacre in the test series the time for English redemption has arrived in form of the ODI’s the ‘Oh Dear Internationals’ where we suffer only ‘One Dismal Innings’
I awoke at stupid o’clock relishing this and had a great feeling for about 30 seconds, in that time I’d read the team sheets.
Hats off for bravery in trying something new, a cavalier approach must be commended when in the face of adversity but it all came apart quicker than David Moyes could spell ‘Europa League’ football analogies aside this could have gone better.
Cook failed, not again but STILL failed. You’re not a bad player overnight so something else is amiss and that’s for
Cook to reconcile. Root was another dismal excuse for fighting spirit, out cheaply and again going with the notion he hits everything and wasted the review. Apart from that the batting was sound, as sound as could be expected on English form.
Bowling, well I’m not sure we did too much of that. Stokes looked to try too hard at times, Jordan looks a prospect and therefore needs time. Bresnan looks lost and Ranking bowls with the ferocity of a 6 yr old girl grieving for her missing kitten. Chances came (as usual) catches dropped (as becoming usual)
Not to be too downhearted its only ODI number 1 and we’ve never been consistent at them. Shame we’ve got 5 to endure then two rounds of T20 Disco Cricket. We’ve gotta be two things. Patient and ruthless in selection. It will come but not tin time to spare our Aussie thrashed blushes I fear.

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The Day Of The Test Match

‘Twas the start of the 3rd test, when all through the house,
Not a pundit was boring, not even a Strauss.
The bear traps and snipers were all placed with care,
In hope that Mark Nicholas, soon would be there,
The Aussies were settled, smug looks on their heads,
While the Englishman sat there, careers in shreds,
And Flower on Lambrini and Gooch on the schnapps,
Had just finished plans for an England collapse,
When out on the pitch there arose such a clatter,
Bails flying everywhere, Cooks stumps were a shatter.

So away to the crease Root flew like a flash,
Marked out his ground and prepared for a smash,
The shine on the ripe new ball had a glow,
That gave an idea to Joe to give a mighty blow,
When what to his wondering eyes should appear,
But a Mitchell Johnson and a sinister sneer,
And with his bowling so lively and quick,
Joe knew the cost of an outside edge nick.

More rapid than ever his team mates would claim,
So he cheered and shouted and called them by name,
Now Ryano! now Garry!, now BJ and Bull!
On Hector! on Watto! We’ve got Root on the pull,
To the top of his mark, with the Kookaburra ball,
Midge started his run up and gave it his all
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle mount to the sky,
So, up to the wicket the paceman he flew,
With commentators aghast and Mark Nicholas too.

And then in a murmur Joe heard from the slips,
A barrage of sledeging from little Pup’s lips,
As Joe threw up his bat he let out a sound,
And the wicket behind him came tumbling down,
Disaster for England, another one gone,
Australia rejoiced, the series looked won,
Along came KP with the world on his back,
But looked like a madman and opened attack.

His eyes looked all focused, his thoughts for a penny?,
Would he get a hundred? Or would he get any?
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And he was trapped first ball, KP had to go,
Then in came Bell and he gritted his teeth,
With the press all preparing their eulogy wreath,
He had a straight face we all saw on the Tele,
And got to his work like that warm-up in Delhi,
He was settled and calm – just like his old self,
Then Mitch took him with one from the top shelf,
A long blink of his eyes and a drop of his head,
Soon gave me to know we had shitloads to dread.

Stokes spoke not a word but went straight to his work,
Smacked all deliveries and that Warner, the jerk,
Rocked back on his feet, the most hefty of blows,
Caught! And back to the pavilion he goes,
The umpires conferred upon that dismissal,
A decision was coming that would upset the gristle,
But the Aussie’s protest and try as they might,

We’ll have to call it a draw! We’re going off for bad light!

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Christmas with England

Trott is Away in his manger Prior is playing like a Little Donkey England fans are having to endure many a Silent Night Cook may as well roast his nuts on an open fire, Michael Clarke chooses not to enforce the follow on so he can Rest His Merry Gentlemen whilst England watch their flops by night.
We may aswell Stop The Cavalry get on the Mistletoe and Wine and be thankful for Ian Jingle Bells cos Baby It’s Cold Outside!

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